Reflection @ 30

Ive always had this thing where I have big thoughts. So, naturally I usually use FB to vent. Those who read these I appreciate y'all but here's another one.

Im 30 tomorrow.

I have done some dope things on my bday from house parties to music with celebrities. I bought a jeep one of my birthdays. One of my birthdays I took my entire team to a weekend vacation on the beach. But this birthday im chillin. Im HUGE on birthdays and I usually go out of my way to make people feel special because It is my belief that every single person has importance and we get so caught up in our day to day life that we easily forget. I just imagine I were to lose another person what It would feel like if I couldn't even appreciate them on the day they were born. It bothers me. I can't get to every person Id like to. But! When I think to do it and its on my heart. I DO to whoever bday I remember in that moment. But when it comes to MY OWN BIRTHDAYS!?

Im usually way more calculated. What have I done these last 5 years? What do I want to do in the next 5 years? Who is in my life currently? Where have I been? Who have I met? Who should I check on? etc. To me each of my own birthdays are a checkpoint and not so much for celebration. The point that I am at now is a very stable and respectable point but I remember 5 years ago being 25 and not having 1 clue how all of this would work. I cannot take credit for more than half of the growth I've gained. But I have grown a tremendous amount. I acknowledge that.

Im the big scary 30. Finally. I don't feel any more pressure than I already felt. Im on God's timing and not my own, all I can do is continue to create and continue to let God provide. A lot of people don't realize that this is how I operate. This is how I have always operated so there's no special answer as to how I get to the next level. I just take steps forward as I see them knowing I will get there. So there's no point in being anxious. However, one thing I am very anxious and insecure about is not having children.

I was talking with a friend and telling him how frustrated we used to get being young and my dad and uncle used to take over the playstation. Like "Why y'all old ass gotta come in here and take the game?" but now that im older, I realize they were the same age I am NOW! They were still very much so in their youth but to me as a child im thinking my dad is the king of the universe in a way. However he was just like me, with interests and things he liked to do and he did a lot of those things regardless of having a family. Id like to believe I could do that myself and continue my family name but. I honestly don't think im ready or capable yet and therein lies my issue with this birthday.

Everything in my life is chill until you begin adding people to it. Once a person is added to this unorthodox life I live things get complicated. I try with everything I know to make it easy for whoever it is whether it is a friend, mentor, doctor, woman. Doesn't matter. For me its complicated because I fly in a 1 man ship with room and space for the living of 1 man. I don't yet have the mindset to include anyone. It took 2 years of living with someone to realize that.

This makes me feel like I have a lot of maturing to take part in before I am righteously able to accommodate a relationship or a child. But I also know that my mindset is not wrong. But! I never thought Id be in my 50s with a 20 year old child. But it is inevitable and that bothers me. So I am relentlessly traveling this path to gain financial stability aside from my personal comfort to ATLEAST! be able to afford a family.

That is my journey in these next 5 years. I will scale all of my businesses.

KTerror - Recording Artist

@81marks - Urban Photography / Web Design

@81studios_205 - Recording Studio

@kterror901 - Twitch Streaming

Sole Stories - Sneaker Vlog

Black Shepherd Mob - Publishing Company

I will use these as a means to be worthy of having a family.